Skully
- Thread starter jimgrms
- Start date
Sorry for your loss Matt. You and your family are in my prayers.
Skully
New member
Thank you all for the well wishes and condolences, I appreciate it. I guess a good and healthy way to help me with the stress and morning is to talk about what happened and to add a moral to the story.
My Dad, love the old stubborn bear, but he never planned for anything (which is what is making my life overly stressed at the moment) and he essentially hid what was going on for a long time. Some of you guys remember he essentially rented the basement from me and we have been near each other for 30+ years always making sure we had each others back. He HATED doctors, hospitals always refusing to go see the doctor when he was sick etc.
Sad part is we had thought he was having a good year. He was overweight and lost some weight being a little more active going on bike rides and walking with us. Shortly after Labor Day everyone got sick in the house. He was a little sicker, saying his stomach hurt and it was hard to keep things down. After he kept saying this for a week we (wife and I) would tell him; "Go see a doctor papa, might be something serious." "Screw the doctor, blah blah blah." Closer to the end of September we noticed his eating had totally changed and he was rarely eating with us or eating at all. (he was very independent) We confronted him about it almost everyday and his answer was the same like above or "I will call them tomorrow." By the beginning of Oct we saw that he lost a lot of weight, and he was complaining he could eat anything spicy or hot, it had to be cold. We started helping him and giving him fruits and ensure. Still totally refusing to see the doctor. I called his sisters in another state to ask for help and I had a bad feeling in my gut that there was something serious going on. I looked in to calling the Social Services to assist me but Papa was there mentally and said he would refuse to go on the ambulance. On the 16th I sat down with my dad and told him my worries and that he needed to pull himself together and seek help or will get help. While in the garage talking to him he vomited this nasty stuff that did not equal what I knew he ate that day. He didn't have much to say and agreed to call the doctor the next day. My aunts were already making arrangements to come up to help. By Tuesday the 18th he had made excuses about calling the doctor and I told him if I called and got an appointment I would take him. He agreed, but did not want to go to the doctor and I made an appointment for the 20th at 10:45pm. The 19th my dad couldn't even leave his room and walk up the stairs to the garage to smoke a cigarette and everything I brought him he drank but vomited. Waiting the fateful day that will live in my mind forever Thursday the 20th, day of his appointment he couldn't get up and was having accidents I called 911 at 9:45 and they came and took him to the hospital. I followed and sat in the ER with him from 10:30 till around 3:30pm. They ran tons of tests, xray, cat scan, ultrasound etc. He was severely De-hydrated and they were pumping him full of fluids. They came to him and said they were going to admit him to ICU, they see serious infection throughout his abdomen and there is a large blockage in his colon. They came to me separately and said; "Your dad is seriously sick, even terminal."
Once in ICU on the 20th we met with two main house doctors and several surgeons. They suspected he had Colon cancer, the blockage his colon was preventing any nutrition and causing him to throw up. He was also very dehydrated and his kidneys were failing. To throw misery into the fire the blockage had burst and caused an infection through his right side abdomen through his liver and into his lower lung. The house doctor looked at him and said this is not an overnight thing, the cancer had to have been building up for quite a while and you must have been in pain. You have known about this for awhile haven't you Larry? My dad just shook his head yes. The surgeon told him this was beyond healing he was terminal. He had two choices Hospice which he could have days, weeks, a month at most. His body was severely stressed and his heart was not going to take much more. They could do a surgery that might grant him some more time but no guarantees and gave him 25% chance of surviving it. He said he wanted to think about it overnight. The next day the 21st his sisters (my aunts) arrived and filled in on the events. He had first said no way on the surgery, but when he started to talk about hospice he was very upset about that concept but we don't think he was understanding there was no real options. Saturday the 22nd my dad called me from the hospital room. He said he decided on something but wanted my support and understanding.
He decided that he did not want to waste away in a Hospice facility (we discussed being at home but his needs were too great) surrounded by vultures as he called him as we could not be there every minute of the day. The surgery was risky and might not survive it but he wanted to die trying at least if anything. We made sure everyone got to see him before surgery just in case. At 2:30pm on Saturday afternoon they wheeled him away for surgery. At 5:45pm the surgeon came out and said he made it through surgery, but was fearful that he might not even wake up from it. There was extensive cancer that had basically shut down his colon completely. He believes this was a years worth of development. I had been there all day and was exhausted, just wanted to take a shower. My dad was back in ICU and was stable. I was going to go home and refresh and my wife was going to come back to see him and I was going to come back at 9-10. While at home at about 8:15pm my wife was leaving to go and I got a call from the hospital saying he was not going to make it. He was body was grasping for life even on the ventilator, his blood pressure dropped super low and they were not sure if he was going to make in another half hour. I called my aunts and we rushed to the hospital. Trying to get him to respond, we couldn't, barely hanging on I asked them to let him go in peace and we had the the ventilator removed. We all gathered around him, and watched him go in peace.
There are three morals to this true story and everyone needs to take it to heart.
#1). DO NOT KEEP SECRETS FROM YOUR FAMILY CONCERNING ANYTHING SERIOUS MEDICAL. I knew something was up but had no proof and thought that my Dad and I were close, we were the only ones each other had for family. I though that he would tell me these things. I guess he felt he didn't want me to worry about him; however, the end was miserable to watch him go like he did and all of it a shock.
#2). COLON CANCER IS A BITCH!!!!! Down right nasty stuff right there. The Colon screening sounds invasive, but once a year to avoid what this cancer can do to you if ignored is a good trade off.
#3). MAKE YOUR WISHES AND ARRANGEMENTS BEFORE YOU RUN OUT OF TIME . My dad did not have anything, no will, no burial plan (avoided the question at any given turn) no money saved up for it, no pre-paid plan or life insurance. It doesn't matter how old you are, make arrangements. For the family having to be in mourning, then having to shoot from the hip and make all the arrangements, and figure out how to pay for this stuff (not cheap). There are no payments plans etc. Several funeral homes literally told me they will keep his body in cold storage until the arrangements are paid in full. That is morbid sounding, but it is reality. Fortunately we pulled every penny he had in his checking account to pay for part of it and management to come up with the rest.
My Dad, love the old stubborn bear, but he never planned for anything (which is what is making my life overly stressed at the moment) and he essentially hid what was going on for a long time. Some of you guys remember he essentially rented the basement from me and we have been near each other for 30+ years always making sure we had each others back. He HATED doctors, hospitals always refusing to go see the doctor when he was sick etc.
Sad part is we had thought he was having a good year. He was overweight and lost some weight being a little more active going on bike rides and walking with us. Shortly after Labor Day everyone got sick in the house. He was a little sicker, saying his stomach hurt and it was hard to keep things down. After he kept saying this for a week we (wife and I) would tell him; "Go see a doctor papa, might be something serious." "Screw the doctor, blah blah blah." Closer to the end of September we noticed his eating had totally changed and he was rarely eating with us or eating at all. (he was very independent) We confronted him about it almost everyday and his answer was the same like above or "I will call them tomorrow." By the beginning of Oct we saw that he lost a lot of weight, and he was complaining he could eat anything spicy or hot, it had to be cold. We started helping him and giving him fruits and ensure. Still totally refusing to see the doctor. I called his sisters in another state to ask for help and I had a bad feeling in my gut that there was something serious going on. I looked in to calling the Social Services to assist me but Papa was there mentally and said he would refuse to go on the ambulance. On the 16th I sat down with my dad and told him my worries and that he needed to pull himself together and seek help or will get help. While in the garage talking to him he vomited this nasty stuff that did not equal what I knew he ate that day. He didn't have much to say and agreed to call the doctor the next day. My aunts were already making arrangements to come up to help. By Tuesday the 18th he had made excuses about calling the doctor and I told him if I called and got an appointment I would take him. He agreed, but did not want to go to the doctor and I made an appointment for the 20th at 10:45pm. The 19th my dad couldn't even leave his room and walk up the stairs to the garage to smoke a cigarette and everything I brought him he drank but vomited. Waiting the fateful day that will live in my mind forever Thursday the 20th, day of his appointment he couldn't get up and was having accidents I called 911 at 9:45 and they came and took him to the hospital. I followed and sat in the ER with him from 10:30 till around 3:30pm. They ran tons of tests, xray, cat scan, ultrasound etc. He was severely De-hydrated and they were pumping him full of fluids. They came to him and said they were going to admit him to ICU, they see serious infection throughout his abdomen and there is a large blockage in his colon. They came to me separately and said; "Your dad is seriously sick, even terminal."
Once in ICU on the 20th we met with two main house doctors and several surgeons. They suspected he had Colon cancer, the blockage his colon was preventing any nutrition and causing him to throw up. He was also very dehydrated and his kidneys were failing. To throw misery into the fire the blockage had burst and caused an infection through his right side abdomen through his liver and into his lower lung. The house doctor looked at him and said this is not an overnight thing, the cancer had to have been building up for quite a while and you must have been in pain. You have known about this for awhile haven't you Larry? My dad just shook his head yes. The surgeon told him this was beyond healing he was terminal. He had two choices Hospice which he could have days, weeks, a month at most. His body was severely stressed and his heart was not going to take much more. They could do a surgery that might grant him some more time but no guarantees and gave him 25% chance of surviving it. He said he wanted to think about it overnight. The next day the 21st his sisters (my aunts) arrived and filled in on the events. He had first said no way on the surgery, but when he started to talk about hospice he was very upset about that concept but we don't think he was understanding there was no real options. Saturday the 22nd my dad called me from the hospital room. He said he decided on something but wanted my support and understanding.
He decided that he did not want to waste away in a Hospice facility (we discussed being at home but his needs were too great) surrounded by vultures as he called him as we could not be there every minute of the day. The surgery was risky and might not survive it but he wanted to die trying at least if anything. We made sure everyone got to see him before surgery just in case. At 2:30pm on Saturday afternoon they wheeled him away for surgery. At 5:45pm the surgeon came out and said he made it through surgery, but was fearful that he might not even wake up from it. There was extensive cancer that had basically shut down his colon completely. He believes this was a years worth of development. I had been there all day and was exhausted, just wanted to take a shower. My dad was back in ICU and was stable. I was going to go home and refresh and my wife was going to come back to see him and I was going to come back at 9-10. While at home at about 8:15pm my wife was leaving to go and I got a call from the hospital saying he was not going to make it. He was body was grasping for life even on the ventilator, his blood pressure dropped super low and they were not sure if he was going to make in another half hour. I called my aunts and we rushed to the hospital. Trying to get him to respond, we couldn't, barely hanging on I asked them to let him go in peace and we had the the ventilator removed. We all gathered around him, and watched him go in peace.
There are three morals to this true story and everyone needs to take it to heart.
#1). DO NOT KEEP SECRETS FROM YOUR FAMILY CONCERNING ANYTHING SERIOUS MEDICAL. I knew something was up but had no proof and thought that my Dad and I were close, we were the only ones each other had for family. I though that he would tell me these things. I guess he felt he didn't want me to worry about him; however, the end was miserable to watch him go like he did and all of it a shock.
#2). COLON CANCER IS A BITCH!!!!! Down right nasty stuff right there. The Colon screening sounds invasive, but once a year to avoid what this cancer can do to you if ignored is a good trade off.
#3). MAKE YOUR WISHES AND ARRANGEMENTS BEFORE YOU RUN OUT OF TIME . My dad did not have anything, no will, no burial plan (avoided the question at any given turn) no money saved up for it, no pre-paid plan or life insurance. It doesn't matter how old you are, make arrangements. For the family having to be in mourning, then having to shoot from the hip and make all the arrangements, and figure out how to pay for this stuff (not cheap). There are no payments plans etc. Several funeral homes literally told me they will keep his body in cold storage until the arrangements are paid in full. That is morbid sounding, but it is reality. Fortunately we pulled every penny he had in his checking account to pay for part of it and management to come up with the rest.
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Sorry for your loss Matt!
I understand what you are going through. My dad did not leave a will or anything behind. He had life insurance, but 3 months before his death (cancer) it was signed over to his new wife (#4) of 6 months who had a serious crank problem. It was just a bad situation all around. Also my grandfather fell off of a ladder while hanging Christmas lights. He had some pain, but refused to go to the doctor. He passed away a week later after being rushed to the hospital, internal bleeding from the fall.
My sincerest condolences.
My sincerest condolences.
.40CalPatriot
New member
Once again my thoughts and prayers. Talking to your dad while at your place was always a highlight each visit! He will be missed dearly!
planefixer
New member
My condolences Matt. 
jimgrms
New member
Matt your Dad was a veteran ,He is entitled to a vault or plot ,a ahead stone and a flag at a national cemetarr'the cremation and urn is his responsibility so you need to call the state veteran affairs office ' to make arangments . the funeral home should have that info also ' But the Veterans administration will help you some
X2. This was our only saving grace when my father in law passed 3 years ago. He has a great plot out at Ft. Logan. It still cost us about 5k, but it save us at least 10k.
Let me know if you have any questions about this.
Skully
New member
Yeah, I get the flag and plot / vault at Ft. Logan, but I was told the headstone if custom I have to pay for? I wanted to hand make a Urn out of stainless steel for his burial at Ft Logan. Just have to hold off the burial there for a little bit until finished.
I already have the cremation arranged and paid for as well as a small urn to go to Washington and the bottom of Puget Sound. He was born and raised in Seattle, he wanted to retire and buy a sailboat and sail out of puget sound. Has been a dream for a while, he hasn't been back there for 45 years. A part of him will always be there now in symbolism.
Again everyone thanks for your support. Just everyone take my lessens to heart, please.
xj-grin
NAXJA Member #1096
I was lucky, in that I forced my Dad to let me do some estate planning for him before his unexpected passing. I was still responsible, but at least I knew the idiot that drafted the documents (i.e. me). He forbade me from utilizing his WWII veteran status for a fed plot, so we had a pretty cool wake, a simple cremation, and now I tend to carry Dad's ashes with me whenever we jeep/hike somewhere cool, and leave a bit around so he can enjoy the view.
Matt-the whole process is a blur and a bitch, no matter how he passed, and whether or not he had any planning... mostly because you just miss your father and friend. It takes quite a while to get any easier, but like most adversity in life, it makes you stronger.
Matt-the whole process is a blur and a bitch, no matter how he passed, and whether or not he had any planning... mostly because you just miss your father and friend. It takes quite a while to get any easier, but like most adversity in life, it makes you stronger.